I’ve had some health issues in the last couple of years that are sporadic. One year, mere days before Christmas, I awoke in the middle of the night with severe abdominal pains accompanied by vomiting – every 15 minutes. When I went to the ER, they determined (after a lot of poking around) that I was suffering from a twisted intestine. After a day of having an NG tube to empty things out and release the pressure behind the kink, my intestines straightened themselves out and I was able to go home again. I gradually built myself back to eating solids, and I had a new piece of knowledge.
There was no way to know how, when, or why my bowels had done this. And there was no way to prevent it from happening again. All I could do was be aware of any early symptoms and try to go to a mostly-liquid diet if it seemed like I was headed that way again.
A little more than a week ago, it happened again. Every 15 minutes, starting at about 1 AM, I was up for a run to the bathroom. My poor, patient husband came and cleaned up after me and asked, “Can I get you anything?” For 12 hours, this went on. I considered going back to the hospital, but honestly it was a toss-up as to which was more unpleasant – the non-stop vomiting or the NG tube – and I decided to go with the free version and pray it would not make me too dehydrated.
Things did stop after 12 hours, and eventually I was able to have some broth and lemonade and keep everything down. Within a few days, I was back to eating normally again.
The biggest thing I’ve said about this to family (who worry terribly that I’m having this problem and have no way to know when or why it’s happening) is that it is going to have to be an exercise in trusting God. I know that in my head, and I’ve known it since that Advent a couple of years ago. But something new occurred to me last week.
Perhaps this is an opportunity for me to demonstrate my trust the Lord in a new way.
You see, years ago, I made a conscious decision not to trust God. I was scared out of my mind at the time, but I knew what I was doing was wrong. To this day, I carry the terrible guilt from that decision. I carry an emotional and spiritual scar from this sin. It’s a sin I know I’ve been forgiven for, but it’s one that I have difficulting forgiving myself for. And there are times when it hurts so badly to be around people who have babies or who are pregnant. My sin is a burden, but it’s a burden I chose, despite knowing I shouldn’t. I had the opportunity to trust God with this part of my life, and I chose not to.
With my fertility, I would have been able to take steps to avoid pregnancy. But with this new opportunity to trust, I have no control. Zero. Nada. There aren’t any steps to take, there aren’t any signs of why it happens.
This is my opportunity to trust. To throw myself at His feet and wait for His will.
I pray I’m able to do it. To trust Him and not be afraid. It’s hard sometimes, but, again, I feel like this is something that perhaps I’ve brought about in some way. But perhaps I’m up to it, and I won’t disappoint God. I’ll be able to offer up my sufferings, not live in fear of it, to just rest in His will for me.
Jesus, I trust in You. Have mercy on me, a sinner.